So it’s Jae again, about 1:30AM in the morning California time, and I just got home after hours of aimless driving.
Fei’s been unconscious since I last posted, except for the occasional seizure. I have never witnessed a seizure occur in my entire life (save for what I saw in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest), but they are terrifying. I felt so extremely hopeless, especially with her family there and because I feel I should have seen all this coming.
She’s on a new medication now, one to help an arrhythmia that she’s developed as a result of the overdose. I’m praying to whatever God there is that this medication works, because she can’t constantly have a defibrillator with her, and her heart is in such a weak condition, doctors say she wouldn’t last long without one (her heart would implode on itself, essentially).
Her family is staying over night with her, but as I am not family, I was sent home hours ago. But I didn’t want to go home, not to my room with pictures of us and posters of k-pop and things that remind me of her. I just feel like I’ve let everyone down. Her family reassures me that I haven’t, that if anything I’ve kept her around longer than they expected, but I still feel like I failed them. I failed you Fei. I hope that you’ll be able to read this and see all these…confessions of mine. I pray you will. I never wanted this to happen. You were meant for so much more, I remember you dropping hints about it, about what you were planning, but I guess I had gotten so used to it that it went in one ear and out the other. God I feel terrible for saying that…so used to you complaining and making threatening statements, even if they were casual. I must be one cold hearted SOB.
I’m just so sorry Fei. To you and your family and your followers. For all that’s happened, for be not doing anything to help. I know I’ve even turned your beautiful, witty blog into a ranting-diary of sorts, and I’m sorry for that too. I just wish I could rewind to a week ago, when we were joking about how badly you wanted to audition for YG Ent. but were afraid too because you thought your Korean was too accented, and I joked about it too because compared to mine it is, but we still ended up singing/rapping G-Dragon’s “Without You” despite the fact that your “Korean sucked,” but it didn’t. It was beautiful. And I wish I told you that then, I so badly wish I could rewind time and just replay that entire day, if only to tell you that you sang beautifully. And if I get the chance to (which I pray I do), I will ever second I get.
한걸음 더 다가설수록, 시간은 널 멀어지게 해, 그때로 돌아가 rewind, 널 붙잡고싶어 rewind. 붙잡으려 하면 할수록, 시간은 널 떠나가게 해, 그때로 돌아가 rewind.
Deuces and sleep well everyone,
Annyeong everyone, it’s Jae again. Just wanted to take a moment before heading to bed to give you all an update on how Fei was doing.
She was released from the hospital early yesterday and everything seemed to be fine. I spent the morning with her, but she kept saying that she was really tired and just wanted to sleep, so I left to let her catch up on sleep, as I know from experience that the residential hospitals here rarely allow for sleep.
About three hours later (early afternoon), I got a call from Fei’s mom. They were on their way to the ER. Fei had somehow managed to overdose on a medication - administered by the hospital - which will remain unnamed. She was unresponsive when her family found her and tried to wake her, and the EMTs said that she had fallen into a stupor. She was rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped, but apparently started seizing on the way. I was at work then but was granted leave to see her. She looked terrible, like she was two steps away from death. I spent the rest of yesterday with Fei’s family at the hospital as we waited for her to come to. As of right now, she’s still unconscious. She’s not comatose, because she responded to light and music (I played K-pop on my phone for her, BIGBANG’s “Koe Wo Kikasete” and her eayes flitted from beneath her eyelids), but she didn’t gain consciousness from either.
I don’t even know what to think right now. I don’t know how to feel. As a male, and an Korean-American one at that, emotions are nonexistent. If you feel them at all, you shove them down and hide them of force them to to be channeled in other ways. As such, I’m not surprised by her actions, and I actually understand them, but I feel so scared, and that scares me. And it feels so goddamn weird to share this with all of you, even though I know that’s what she would want because that’s just her, but I guess I’m so desperate I don’t know what else to do, except ask for your positive thoughts and prayers, so please forgive me for these few nonsensical, overly emotional posts of mine/Fei.
To Fei - though you told me about tumblr only a few days ago, I think I have it pretty figured out. I may even start my own just to rival yours. ;) And I am honoured that you bestowed yours upon me, and I am even more blessed to call you my friend. But please, please don’t go Fei. Please. You’re the JiYong to my YoungBae. The SunYe to my (awkward) JoKwon. The Junsu to my Hyukjae. We’ve known each other since our second-grade dance class. Please keep fighting Fei. You always joked you were like Mulan, a warrior princess who didn’t need a man to save you. And while I may/may not be your prince, I will always be there by your side as you fight what is probably your toughest battle yet. And I know you can do it Fei. I believe in you.
자! 내 손을 잡고 나아가자 잃어버렸던 꿈 다시 찾아가자, 같이 날아보자 먼지를 털어보자 옆 사람도 함께 가보자, 끝은 안보이지만 미래는 밝다 우린 아직 젊기에 기회는 많다,서로 사랑하자 더 크게 외쳐보자 자유!
Peace to all and to all sleep well,
Annyeonghaseyo followers of kpopprincess13,
This is Jae Hyuk, Fei’s friend, but you can call me Jae (not sure if she’s mentioned me or not before…). She told me she hasn’t been able to update her tumblr, and she wanted me to update her faithful followers as to why (and yes, she did request a MTBD pic, so there you go Fei).
For the past two days, Fei has been in hospitalised due to a suicide attempt. She told me she wrote a piece way back on previous attempts and had alluded to her struggles, but I don’t think she was ever that detailed as to what she was going through. I’m not going to give any details out of respect, but she said she would be willing to answer any questions upon her return. She has at least one more day in the hospital, as the laws in California require a minimum of 72 hours. After that, she will reassessed to see if she is still a harm to herself or if she can be released. If she is released, she’ll likely join an intensive outpatient program or a day program, and if she’s not released, the stay will be extended for the rest of the week.
Unfortunately it appears as though she has nothing in the “queue” or whatever that is (I am extremely tumblr illiterate…she literally had to walk me through this step-by-step). I would gladly update this if I knew how, as I am quite the k-pop fan myself (forever loyal to the YG Family and artists like Tiger JK, Dok2, Epik High, and of course, Jay Park). But this is Fei’s blog, and I don’t want to intrude, least of all when I have no idea what I’m doing and when she’s in great pain like now.
She doesn’t know I’m doing this last bit, but if I could ask one thing of you, her followers, it would be to pray for her. I don’t know if you are religious at all or believe in a higher power or whatnot, but if you could just keep Fei in your thoughts as she goes through these next few days, I would greatly appreciate that, and I’m sure Fei would too.